February [Stories] 19

Coming to the home stretch of February, so I’d like to think I saved the best for last. You can be the judge.

I will start them off with yet another tale of intoxication. Everyone loves a good story about booze related nights. This ones an oldie, but still plenty of fun to tell.

As I mentioned in my prior booze story, I’m really not a crazy drinker, but what I really liked, was devising drink recipes. My goal was always to get you drunk as quickly as I could, and minimize the tastes of alcohol. So I was always going to the liquor store to see the new stuff they had, buying all seasonal stuff. I basically collected flavors. I now have many.

I have a few drink recipes I enjoy and frequent. The “blood of thy enemy” is a pretty common one in my house. “Destroyer of worlds” is another. “Sexy T-rect-sy” is a little newer and not nearly as strong as the other two suggest. Everyone enjoys my drinks and I cycle them often when I have nights of games and friends. However, one fateful night, I made a mix so potent, yet not terrible to drink, that was forever known as “The Uber Drink.” Now you may think I’m referring to the Uber service for cars, but no, this is before that was even a thing.

I won’t divulge the recipe, but I can say that I cannot make it so easily anymore, because one of the ingredients is no longer made. I have been prepping making a new version, but haven’t found any candidates to help me experiment. But I’m getting off topic again.

One night my friends and I were all playing cards, having some drinks, enjoying some black lights, and all in all just having fun. It was getting late, and we were all pretty much at the gates of drunk, some of us stepping in a little to see the view. I then remembered the Uber that I had been experimenting with, and went to the kitchen to go make it. I made a “Full Uber” so it was the real deal, I have a “Half Uber” that was for people to see the flavor, but not commit. I poured it all into a cup and went to sit back down. I sat across from my friend Whisky and told him very specifically that we were to share that drink, each drinking half.

We continued with our jokes, cards, and all around wild night. I finished my drink and went to grab the Uber to take my first sips. It was gone. In a panic I look at the cup again to verify that it was gone. I looked at Whisky, “I SAID ONLY DRINK HALF! IT’S SUPER STRONG!” I cried as he gave me a deer in headlights kind of look.

“It just tasted so good I forgot how strong it was. Am I gonna be okay?” He replied.

I was unsure. Up until this point I wasn’t sure how long had gone by since he started to drink it. I told him to be ready for anything, and I went about my business.

Maybe 10 minutes later I get up and go to the bathroom, standard drinking night kind of thing. I start walking back to my living room when I’m immediately tackled by a tripping Whisky. Upon going nearly horizontal, the alcohol from the Uber must have glazed his mind, because it was no longer a stumble. No, it has been upgraded to an epic quest to get to the bathroom before purging the Uber.

He made it 10 feet. My kitchen sink then became the only thing he could throw up in. In his defense though, I have a strict don’t throw up on anything in my house rule. I don’t puke at peoples houses, I expect the same at mine, have some class. Since he made it to the sink, he did have the brainpower to know to not vomit on my floor. I gave him a horrified face when I realized what was happening. I got a mere, “Look away.” and he went about his business.

That night went down in history as the birth of The Uber Drink. Everyone who has tried it has wound up in alcohol purgatory. I’ve watched someone fall down stairs. I’ve found something reading a doctor seuss book they found. Everyone who has it, pays the price. But that’s the fun of the mixing. All kinds of stories can be told.