Faint

Since its been a couple months since I made this, I figured it would be best to go ahead and explain the hopes I have in creating this website. I know on the homepage it mentions negativity, and a few other little things, but there is of course more to it. This is going to perhaps be a bit lengthy, and anecdotal, but I hope you’ll stick around.

Honestly, to put it into the most blunt terms: I just don’t feel– much of anything. I know that sounds vague, maybe even confusing to some people, but its a genuine problem I have. Now something I want to make clear from the start, is that I’m not saying I’m even necessarily unhappy. I smile, I laugh, and can feel happy. However, all the feelings are so incredibly toned down. There are no real spikes in my emotional states, leaving people to say, “I keep my cool well.”

I’ve been through a lot in my life. No, not exactly any traumas or anything so drama-like. I grew up with good role-models that molded me into a strong and determined individual. That said, I have seen so much. I have seen the spectrums of mental health deteriorating, such as breakdowns and erratic behaviors. I have watched poor decisions, flaring tempers, attention seeking drama, and the whole lot.

I’ve always been watching. From a young age I realized I was very much logically inclined. I was an information sponge, and I was incredibly adaptable. I was extremely good at people watching. The subtle body languages, and wording choices that others ignore. I used this information constantly. Predicting outcomes of social interactions, or doing something that would cause chain reactions to an ending I expected.

This is again, because I’ve seen a lot. I’ve seen the bad examples of dealing with things, so I adapted. But along the way, its costed me so much. I never really had issues being happy, I don’t necessarily even now. I’ve been challenged time and time again. I’ve stood tall every time I can.

I strengthened my mind, and in the long run, left my heart behind. The heart is harder to control, where as the brain is not. But the brain then can be used to control the heart. So to keep myself in check, I suppressed my emotional triggers and responses. Not in some over dramatic way, but naturally over time they diminished. It happened so slowly I didn’t even really notice. I had been closing up my vulnerabilities. It took me quite some time to realize.

But then, I did notice. Something in me felt awakened for a time. Like a weight had come off me, but only for a while. It made no sense to me until I thought about it and realized it had been a while since I last felt the full spectrum of emotion. Once realizing it though, it caused me incredible pain. Pain in my heart as it scratched its way to the surface for the first time in some while. It was incredibly strange, feeling so much pain, from being happy.

Imagine eating bland food for a long time, it wasn’t necessarily unenjoyable, but you were used to it. Then suddenly you have a meal with seasonings galore. It’s fantastic, and makes you feel like this is how its meant to taste. Now take all that away. You run out of those seasonings, and are left with the same food you started with. Each meal you’re reminded of the fact you want those seasonings. It weighs on your more and more. You had those seasonings, in abundance. But the cupboard is now locked, and you don’t know where you hid the key, so others didn’t take your spices or tamper with them so easily.

Taking away the metaphors, I know my heart is capable of feeling so much more than I am. Sometimes I get glimpses, sometimes with dreams, or passing thoughts. I felt this especially hard recently. For those who haven’t read my themed post about the passing of my first pet, I would highly suggest it. So you may connect with these next statements a little more.

When I was writing that entry, I cried. I cried so much and felt so much pain in my chest I probably could have filled a cup of tears. It’d been a while since I’d felt something so intense. Events that happened over 5 years ago, events during the 15 years I had Duchy, all so intense.

As I sat there, crying like a child, I had a thought: I felt these intense emotions, and had such a physical reaction, because I never once put up a barrier between Duchess and I. She was the one thing on this Earth I would trust without hesitation, and speak to without a thought of backlash. I left 100% of my vulnerabilities open with her, and so when she passed, I felt in a way I couldn’t with anyone else. I wiped my tears, “That’s just like you Duchy, always helping me.” I softly said to myself. She gave me some understanding.

I’ve put up such strong barriers, it’s just part of who I am. I was the rock, because so many around me needed a tether. No matter what, I never wanted to be the one needed the rescuing. You couldn’t keep a cool head if your emotions run wild, so I made the adjustments. Are they permanent? I’m not sure. But they are most certainly strongly rooted into my persona.

I refuse to feel this way though. I am not so weak as to let this beat me. I have sought out professional help without hesitation, I’m not against admitting when I need advice from another. I find it helpful, even if I am ahead of the game when it comes to advice. When someone asks me about scenario A, I try to explain that I’ve already thought about it, and also have thought about scenarios B-Z and beyond. Just how my mind works. Its almost a little unfair to the professional, I feel like I keep them working harder than most, because of how quickly I work through things between sessions.

My hope is by creating the content on this site, that it’ll keep me grounded, and maybe allowing more of my creativity go wild, that I can reconnect some of those unplugged wires. Putting myself out there, and in some cases, outside of my comfort zone. I also feel my writings may help others, and as I work through things, may bring hope to someone suffering a similar fate. I do not believe in medicating, nor do I believe I would even need it. Far too often I see people talk about taking meds because they don’t want to find the actual root of issues. I will find the roots, and yank them from me.

This lack of feeling has taken its toll on me. The foundation that made me strong as a rock, has started to crumble, and it makes it hard to keep myself from smacking off the emotional ground so to speak. Where I could help people without limits, I’m not unable to offer aid, it takes all I have to keep myself together. Along with those flair ups in my emotional state, some days can feel kind of rocky. I’m not depressed exactly, and if I am some days, its extremely high functioning.

When I speak with my therapist, she askes me questions and I give my responses. She always mentions how much my answers are logical, how they make sense. My responses are genuine, but heavily influenced by thinking. One day, she started bombarding me with rapid-fire like input, and I started to get somewhat unable to answer her. I was now uncomfortable, and stumbling over my words. She was doing this because when my heart is supposed to be the one answering, I get all messed up. She’ll mention some trigger, and then dance around it because my heart doesn’t know how to speak, or its very slow. I reply with more, “I don’t knows” and stop feeling confident. Its challenging for me, but I’ll get there.

I could continue to go on this, but I will break this down more in individual updates. That way I don’t make this any more lengthy than I already have. If you have followed along thus far, I really appreciate your support and time. I will succeed, I refuse to fail.