Many say they know me.
I’ve long lost the ability to feel like most people do. Through my trials in life I hardened too much, and shredded any vulnerabilities I had. Just to be sure no one could ever use them against me. But when you shred the vulnerabilities, you aren’t just getting rid of what makes you weak, you shred what connects you to others. Those vulnerabilities are also what allow you to share feelings with those around you.
I’m only half dead, I tell myself.
Growing up I used to have a very special place I would frequent. It was an old quarry. Dug up long before the time of having to fill it in when you were done stripping out the limestone. The quarry was old, and nature had taken it back. The hole slowly filled with water, the walls eroded and plants began to grow. Before long, time had fixed what humans had left in ruin. I felt a connection with this place.
Time could heal the world.
This seemingly insignificant place deep in the woods, had become a place that softened me. If I was struggling with sadness, or was overwhelmed, I could count on that place. Whether it be sunlight, or moonlight, the shimmer of that water resonated in me. I was at peace there, I didn’t have to worry about anything. I could be free.
However I would stand alone.
I could softly cry, or cry out in sorrow, as loud as my heart desired. I could scream out my desires for the world to hear. Only my ears to hear the echo. The wind would surely hide my cries from others. The birds’ calls, and sounds of rustling leaves filled the skies. “Beat damn you!” I could cry, gripping my chest. “I just want to feel!” I’d fall to my knees, begging.
“Please tell me why.”
As I slowly stepped down the now overgrown path I had walked hundreds of times before, these endless memories came back. I merely picked them back up along the way. The emotions stored in this place, only the trees knew my woes. Thorns grabbed me, trying to slow me down, or risk getting hurt. I calmly walked through, I knew my destination.
It was just within reach.
I now stood at the shore. How long had it been since I went there for answers. I am now a man. The cold air breezed against my cheeks. I watched the wind skip across the surface of the water, leaving small ripples. “I just want to feel.” I whisper softly. Crouching down, I place a finger to the water, sending out my own influence to this place. The wind erases it. How many times had I begged myself. I stare into my reflection, “perhaps you can still feel.”
But I would find no answers there.
This place had always been my sanctuary. I climbed the wooded hills, to return to that overgrown path. I looked back at the calm waters behind me, instinctively gripping my chest. I had not left my emotions in this place, I still carried them. They were still just beneath the surface. I just need something to make a big enough splash, and release my emotions into the sky.